THE END OF THE BEGINNING
“Time” by the Chambers Brothers……..that’s what it’s all about. Where do I begin? Where does the story begin? Painful memories, joyous memories, sad, scared. Maybe that’s where it began…..new memories…….my lover.
Someone so opposite of the environment from which I came. His essence…..quiet, yet enjoys conversation. He’s calming,sensitive, regal, self assured, in touch with himself….especially his family.
THE BEGINNING
It all has to do with values. How do we value ourselves….others. What are our standards our boundaries? This story is the beginning of a second chance in life. You may say, how lucky. I say “I call it choices”. Three years ago, I made the choice to leave a marriage after 28 years. You may say, “28 years!”. I say “it didn’t happen overnight.”
To be devalued in life is being underneath someone’s shoe. I felt at times like I was out from beneath, in reality only a short step up. Yes, no self worth. Although I knew I had it. The original Stepford Wives movie is the way I describe the sensation of no value. Perseverance is the key. If only a little……I never let go. The time came when a choice needed to be made.
Suit-case in hand. A friend’s shoulder to share the burden of shame, I felt I had no value. When is enough, enough??? Breaking the cycle. Change is good! Even if I didn’t know what the outcome would be. I could assure myself it will be better. Why, when I didn’t know where I will end up. Wouldn’t it be a lot scarier where I once came? No, because it was “up” to me!!! It wasn’t Velcro after all. It was harder to break the chains than I thought.
I was sucked in a vacuum. I was desperately seeking to get out. Through darkness to come to the light. It was there. I reached out and didn’t look back. No matter what was said. I never lied to myself. I had to be true to myself.
I need to find the strength in myself. Believing the Universe will guide me. If only to listen to the silence. I would listen. Silently to believe….dream my dreams.
From here is where it all started. This was the end of the beginning. I was taking ownership of myself, being responsible, caring, efficient, pride, faith in myself. I wanted to work to live instead of living to work. Abundance. How much did I need? Health was the key. Taking responsibility for the health of my own body and mind, after all they go hand in hand together.
It is mentally disabling to hate and be angry for the things I cannot change, nor do I like. I wanted to take the negative energy and change the energy to positive. Overtime, I know it will leave me.
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I'm Special........by Debby
I'M ON VACATION
I have no job. No money coming in other than the spousal support income. It helps, but doesn’t pay the rent. I feel good. Grateful to be able to not feel guilty and enjoying my days.
My life changed when my parents divorced at the age of 10. I all of a sudden grew up. My childhood was no longer being that of just a child of 10. I moved with my mother into an apartment across the street from the elementary school I attend in the 5th grade.
Never knew anything was wrong with the picture. I never saw my parents argue. I was a very happy go lucky little girl who enjoyed her life. I had tons of cousins. It was really a trip to listen to the adults talk Italian. I never thought anything of it. Thought all households spoke Italian. As kids we didn’t. Who cared? We were running around the countryside having a “kids” life. Our parents were trying to change their immigrant life style. Clueless – we were kids.
One night my mom and dad were fighting terribly. Yelling. A lot. My dad saying really harsh statements. Think I blocked them out. I remember being so happy that we were moving, but not it was without my dad. We lived in a bar. A country beer and wine/grocery store complete with jukebox, pool table, and pinball machine and all the candy, ice cream and soda a kid would want. However, I think I was the only kid at the age of 9 who had a bar tab.
My dad and I use to play liar’s dice, gin rummy and Yatze. Penny a point for a whole six column across the Yatze pad. If I wanted that bubblegum, that had comics I desperately wanted in it, I had to pay. Same with snickers, especially since I like to put them in the freezer), Pepsi, with peanuts pored in the bottle. Remember the 50’s coke and Pepsi bottles? What a wonderful life………so I thought.
We would stuff the corners of the pool table so we wouldn’t have to pay another 25 cents to play. Life was grand. Swim pool parties. We had a 20’ x 40’ beautiful swimming pool. In the summertime our cousins and friends would come over to swim and play. We had his and her bathrooms. There was even a Beer Garden complete with jukebox, bar, BBQ pit, tables and a dance floor. We had a great jukebox my dad saved from the bar when the new one came in. He even made a special housing for it so in the winter months it was protected. When the record guy came, he gave us the old 45’s from the jukebox we were currently using. We put all we had onto the old jukebox in the Beer Garden. Since my brother and I had August birthdays, we were 3 years and 5 days apart; we had big birthday parties with our cousins and friends. It was a blast.
Of course my parents couldn’t have picked the worst time to separate. It was right before Christmas. I don’t remember the exact date, but I do remember we weren’t living together when Christmas came that year. Christmas was very awkward. Nobody came from a divorce family. My brother was 13 and he was old enough, in the courts eyes, to choose which parent he wanted to live with. He chose my dad. Later he said he felt sorry for him. I was to live with my mother.
Before my parent’s split, I really didn’t know them. I was too busy running around the countryside with friends and cousins to know them. I don’t remember them being affectionate or loving. My dad sat pretty much on a bar stool playing pinochle with other men who hang out at the bar and drank beer. My mother was busy “doing”. Everything from cooking, cleaning and running the bar. She was unhappy. Unbeknownst to me until I was in my early 20’s, married and with my son, she confessed that she never wanted to marry my father. However, according to her, my Nona, her mother, told her, in so many words, that she couldn’t disgrace the family. She accepted the proposal of marriage and she had to go through with the marriage.
My father’s family had money. A lot more than my mother’s family. I sometimes wondered if that had something to do with it. My mother use to tell me, as I was growing up, that she was so busy that she always kept me a the crib with a bottle of milk and rarely gave me any attention. I think sometimes that could very well by why I am so needy. I hate that about me.
For the first time in my life, at age 52, I don’t feel like I have to be responsible today. I know I will find work. Right now, though, I’m enjoying the peace and quiet, the solitude, the Universe has granted me.
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I'm Special...............by Debby M
WHAT GOES UP…….MUST COME DOWN………AND MOVE ALL AROUND
I wake up every morning grateful for what I have. I’m happier now in my new life than I have been in years. I feel I’m a positive person. Always looking at the glass half full. I’ve always felt I was dealt a hand from a deck of cards. It is up to me how I deal with the hand dealt.
Yes, I’ve had challenges in life to deal with and it always surprises me that I came out OK! I made it, after being pushed and pulled in all different kinds of directions. In life there are no directions. Just go with the flow. I have tried to make the best possible choices by listening to my heart and soul. I have always felt that I have experienced more than some, but less than others. For this I am grateful that I am surviving my lessons in life.
I’m grateful I’ve arrived. I was without work. I was grateful each day that I didn’t have to worry about where my next rent check was coming from. Sure, its borrowed money, but I’m the lender. I used money I saved for taxes to pay for my living costs. I live in a beautiful place……I call it “The Resort”. My loft bedroom overlooks a swimming pool. The grounds are always manicured.
Sometimes I felt like I will not make it. I know its not so, as I won’t let that happen. For me, I’m in a place where I’ve never been before. I find it soothing, to say the least. As for the first time in years, I have no real responsibility except for myself. I’ve always been the caregiver. I’m learning how to take care of “me”. What a concept. I know who I am, but I have given myself the opportunity to make myself whole. Continually growing and looking inside of me to learn more about myself.
This is “my” time. I’ve earned it. Deserve it. Love it. It has allowed me to truly deal with my pain. I know in my heart I tried the best that I was capable of to have a relationship with my ex-husband and my mother. I truly wanted a loving relationship. Some things are not meant to be. I’m OK with that. There are other people that will love me for who I am and try not to control me. Respect me and accept me with all of my faults and all of what I have to give. That being love.
In my circle of life I want to be around people who have the integrity to be true to themselves, and who are loving, caring and trusting individuals. These are such important qualities. I try each day to be the best that I can to myself and to others.
There are evil people in this world. Evil can be classified in many ways. The evil I speak about is personal evil. By this I mean honesty. To be honest with people, but, more importantly, be honest with themselves as well. For if people are true to themselves, they will be true to others. I believe this is where evil begins. Not taking responsibility for ones mistakes, that being verbally or physically abusive. Not taking the initiative, especially when an individual is aware of it, doesn’t change it……..deal with it…….try to be a better person. “CHANGE”! This is what is evil. Not changing for the better. Let's face it, it is harder to change than to stay the same. The comfort zone in not changing, the familiarity is something we all know. Changing that familiarity to the unknown is frightening, yet to evolve into our true selves is what the journey is about.
I believe, in all my heart, I did try to change to save those dear to me. They might think otherwise. Their actions speak loudly. The things they say……they do……they don’t do.
Contemplating all the emotions is draining. I call it purging. We all need to purge. That’s where the down comes. It’s like breathing for the very first time. Now it’s time to take in all the good.
The cycle never really ends. Its like the saying “one door closes……another opens”. For each new door that opens, we can only have faith in ourselves. Each new journey will be exciting and alive to embrace the moments. To gather good thoughts and along the way meet even more loving and caring people on this journey of life.
I say to myself. Never again will I subject myself to letting anyone belittle me, disrespect me, control me or make me ever feel again that I am not worthy. BECAUSE “I’m Special”……….we’re all Special!!
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